the big day (well, now it's night)

i talked to mom tonight. she sounded good. she went home from surgery around lunchtime, took a nap and kept herself sedated with drugs.

she told me again not to visit, but i'll be sure to come up for the weekend for my grandma's 90th bday -- plus, tante betty is visiting from germany.

other than that, we'll take things day by day.

the big day

i talked to mom at 5:45 this morning since i didn't get to talk to her last night.

she's getting ready for the early morning surgery. she said she laughed at our answering machine message (syd said "play with you" instead of "pray for you," for example).

she was upbeat for the short conversation until the end. of course, i made her cry.

can't wait to hear how she's doing when it's over.

halloween

as mom prepares for surgery on halloween, i hope that we come to look at the holiday in two ways.

1. the way we always have, as mike's over-the-top-favorite day of the year.

2. as the day mom fought breast cancer and won.

as my sister said in the last post, we're thinking about her and praying.

i'll play it by ear on a visit this week. she said she didn't want me to come monday, so i'm staying and shuttling syd to halloween events.

but i want to be there however i can.

Finally I post

Well, I know I've been busy with some other things lately, but I have been meaning to post here.

I'm not really sure what to say though. My mom is the best. Leave it to her to take my mind off of getting a year old and entering my 30s. Although I still had some pretty powerful emotions to deal with on my bday. Having her sing me happy birthday as soon as I woke up made me smile. Having her tell me she had breast cancer did not.

It's true that I wanted to know and I'm glad she told me when she did. Luckily my friend Jane was still here. So I got up, walked the dog, emptied the dishwasher and then told Jane. She was really great to have here, since she went through the same thing. Five years ago her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I think all of us - Mom, Dad, Jen and I - are all dealing with this pretty well.

Tomorrow is the surgery and I really wish that I could be there. But, as mom instructed, I'm staying here. I'm sure she knows, but my thoughts and prayers will be with her tomorrow and I hope that all goes well.

i won't say it's ironic, because that's annoying

the day i found out about my mom, my friend anna and i both had on our deanna favre/american family insurance pink breast cancer hats on.

i can't upload it now for some reason, so here's a link to her blog.

tracking this site, too

i wonder if i will get more accidental hits on this site than my other one because this is about breast cancer.

"it's getting better all the time..."

thanks, sgt. pepper, for that lyric, which has been stuck in my head.

today was a better day. mom scheduled the one-day surgery for halloween (nice!) but told me and my sister not to come. maybe i'll go up tuesday instead. she told me i can't clean because she'd just clean before i get there, and then what's the point? geez, mothers.
i'd probably feel the same way.

anyway, i've told a few more people and feel more confident and strong. and i guess my dad's doing better, too.

my grandma, on the other hand, isn't feeling the best. she's already been "gone" mentally for a long time. she rarely knows who my mom is ("mary?"), which is horrible. she turns 90 nov. 5. maybe i'll make it that far if i come downstairs at bedtime to do yoga instead of this once in a while. my once-a-week aerobics class is about as bare-minimum as you can get, eh?

i apparently can't even count. at least i can order flowers

i sent karin 30 presents for turning 30 today. oops. i mean 29. i guess i missed no. 23. i never claimed to be good at math like her. plus, i can always chalk it up to ypa, young person's alzheimer's.

anyway, mom told karin today, and we're all doing better. mom seems to have affirmation that things look about as good as they can with the cancer, and she meets w/the surgeon tuesday. she also got my pink roses at work. now i have to think of something to cheer up dad! (if i have time to cruise farm and fleet, i might be inspired.)

it was hard to tell my closest friends at work. but i think i'll get better at it. with will, i was ok but shaky (wish it were shakey's, as in pizza). with shell, i was a wreck. with anna, i was about as collected as i can get; it helped that we were at a chinese restaurant. and a good one at that (ghengis khan).

i have to admit i got some good advice from my boss, the last person i told today. being into psycho-babble and the like, she advised that my reaction should be to play the role i always play in the family. i'm not sure what that is, but caretaker might be it. smart-ass maybe? i don't think being a liberal is going to help. but it can't hurt.

i didn't know what to do at 11 p.m., so i did this

tonight my mom called me and said she had bad news. in a split second, i first thought my grandpa died. then maybe my grandma.

nope, my mom started crying and said she thought it would be easier to tell me that she has breast cancer. it has been detected early and is about the best type you can get if you're talking about cancer. she probably will have it surgically removed and avoid chemo. she has an appointment with a surgeon tuesday, so we don't know everything yet. hell, she just found out friday.

i told her it's ok to be a wreck. it's not like this is a walk in the park.

of course, here i'm saying that, and the first thing i'm thinking myself is how i have to be strong for her. i will be. and i can be.

i can't call mike at work. that's not fair; it's deadline. i have to tell him in person. so i watched "desperate housewives" to cushion the blow and then headed for my computer. i surfed the web to see if anything could help me be the best co-survivor i can be. there's lots of stuff on the web about breast cancer, natch, but nothing struck a chord.

i tried calling my college friend stacy, who lost her dad to diabetes and cancer. i figured she would understand. got the voice mail and hung up.

so i sit here tonight and don't know what to do. do i send her flowers at work? it's not like they have a "you got cancer but it's probably ok" bouquet.

i started this blog because it could be part diary and part communication with my sister, who doesn't know yet. my mom doesn't want to ruin her 30th birthday, which is tomorrow. i told my mom that karin would want to know no matter what. birthdays aren't that important, although i guess they should be. i almost died, and i should celebrate the fact that i'm still alive. my mom will probably be glad to be alive every jan. 6, too.

so i named this blog "pink ribbons and rocks" because i told my dad that we have to be "rocks" for mom. we owe it to her. she's been our rock for decades.

i hope i can be a "rock" at work, too. it's crazy busy, and i don't want to "lose it." i cry at the drop of a hat. it's not like there's a protocol for "my mom has cancer."

i know i've been rambling, but i can't quit until i say that now i feel like an ingrate for not sponsoring my co-worker judy in the breast cancer walk this month. it is breast cancer month, after all. i guess it's human nature to live in ignorant bliss unless something smacks you over the head. consider myself smacked.