i didn't know what to do at 11 p.m., so i did this

tonight my mom called me and said she had bad news. in a split second, i first thought my grandpa died. then maybe my grandma.

nope, my mom started crying and said she thought it would be easier to tell me that she has breast cancer. it has been detected early and is about the best type you can get if you're talking about cancer. she probably will have it surgically removed and avoid chemo. she has an appointment with a surgeon tuesday, so we don't know everything yet. hell, she just found out friday.

i told her it's ok to be a wreck. it's not like this is a walk in the park.

of course, here i'm saying that, and the first thing i'm thinking myself is how i have to be strong for her. i will be. and i can be.

i can't call mike at work. that's not fair; it's deadline. i have to tell him in person. so i watched "desperate housewives" to cushion the blow and then headed for my computer. i surfed the web to see if anything could help me be the best co-survivor i can be. there's lots of stuff on the web about breast cancer, natch, but nothing struck a chord.

i tried calling my college friend stacy, who lost her dad to diabetes and cancer. i figured she would understand. got the voice mail and hung up.

so i sit here tonight and don't know what to do. do i send her flowers at work? it's not like they have a "you got cancer but it's probably ok" bouquet.

i started this blog because it could be part diary and part communication with my sister, who doesn't know yet. my mom doesn't want to ruin her 30th birthday, which is tomorrow. i told my mom that karin would want to know no matter what. birthdays aren't that important, although i guess they should be. i almost died, and i should celebrate the fact that i'm still alive. my mom will probably be glad to be alive every jan. 6, too.

so i named this blog "pink ribbons and rocks" because i told my dad that we have to be "rocks" for mom. we owe it to her. she's been our rock for decades.

i hope i can be a "rock" at work, too. it's crazy busy, and i don't want to "lose it." i cry at the drop of a hat. it's not like there's a protocol for "my mom has cancer."

i know i've been rambling, but i can't quit until i say that now i feel like an ingrate for not sponsoring my co-worker judy in the breast cancer walk this month. it is breast cancer month, after all. i guess it's human nature to live in ignorant bliss unless something smacks you over the head. consider myself smacked.